Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Threat or Menace?

Okay, this is just too weird. What is it about the Republican Party that attracts people named "Tucker"?

There's Tucker Carlson, a Reagan-lover whose claim to fame as a network commentator was wearing a bow tie and getting a lap dance on Dancing with the Stars; Tucker Bounds, John McCain's spokesperson who had them handed to him by CNN's Campbell Brown; and Tucker Eskew, the slime ball who push-polled South Carolina for Bush in 2000, asking people if the "fact" that John McCain had an illegitimate black baby would change their opinion of him. [McCain, amazingly, has just hired the very same Tucker Eskew, which says something very disturbing about McCain.]

Can it just be a coincidence that there are three guys named Tucker in the Republican hierarchy? I don't think so. Here's why:

Fact One: All these guys are the same age. Okay, they may not actually be the same age, but they look the same age, don't they? Tucker Carlson was born in 1969. I've googled all over the universe and, for the life of me, I can't find the years of birth for the other two. That, in itself, is suspicious.

Fact Two: All three of these guys are not just your average white guy, they are very white guys, a special breed that is found only in the Republican Party.

Fact Three: Tucker was a rare name when these guys were born. According to the Social Security Administration's popular baby names site, it has become more popular recently. In 2007, it was the 243rd most popular name for boys. But Tucker didn't even make the list of top 1,000 boys' names until 1978! Before that, they don't think it's worth the computer's time to count them! So, more than 30 years ago, when these clowns were "born," Tucker was a rare name.

Fact Four: Tucker, as a name, doesn't really mean anything. Take a name like, oh, say, Robert, for example. Robert has a real meaning; it means "bright fame." But Tucker? What's that? "Someone who tucks." Yeah, that's what I'd want to name a son.

Fact Five: There were two significant UFO sightings in the USA in 1969: in the first, near the town of Dillsburg, Pa., a crowd of people watched a saucer hover over a diner then shoot off. But get this: the second significant sighting was by none other than future President Jimmy Carter. Ah ha. You thought I was going to get crazy, didn't you?

Fact Six: If you google "Tucker" and "UFO", you get 880,000 hits!

Fact Seven: None of these guys ever goes outside. I mean, just look at them.

Fact Eight: Each of these guys has a small tattoo behind his left ear. I'm not positive about this last item, but I'm pretty sure of it. I mean, it stands to reason, doesn't it?

So, put it all together and what once seemed a freak coincidence becomes something startlingly unsettling.

I'm just sayin'.

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