How I Became a Philanthropist, Chapter 1

If you own just one square inch of New York City land, how rich could you be? Depending on where the inch was located, I imagine you could be very rich, indeed. If that square inch found itself in the middle of a piece of land that Donald Trump wanted to build on, and he owned all the land around it, you might be able to set some kind of record for cost per square foot with your little square inch.

"Gee, I don't know, Donald. I've always had a sentimental attachment to this square inch of land, and was hoping to pass it down to my nephews and nieces."

That was something like the reverie that went through my mind when I remembered, for no particular reason, that I am the owner of a square inch of land in Klondike gold country.

I am not kidding you. It was deeded to me in the 1950's by the Klondike Big Inch Land Co, Inc. The deed came in a box of Quaker Puffed Wheat, a cereal that tastes like gritty styrofoam. My kid brother couldn't read yet, so he didn't realize the extreme value of this gold-edged piece of paper. But I was a loyal watcher of Sergeant Preston of the Yukon, so I knew all about the Gold Rush. I'm sure I gave him a good cover story. It was mine, and it was a beautiful thing to behold.

Now, more than 50 years later, it was clear that all I needed to do was find the deed, notify Exxon Mobil that I was willing to talk business, and I could make all my loved ones rich beyond their wildest dreams. Because, you see, when I have fantasies about having a lot of money, I'm always giving it away to my adoring family and friends. Because that's just the kind of person I am.

I haven't found the deed yet (the picture above was stolen from another site [because that's really the kind of person that I am]), but I don't intend to bother. Looking for instructions on how best to manage my Canadian Empire (Larry McMurtry will probably be interested in taking notes from the beginning) I happened upon this article on the web site of what is essentially the Yukon Territories tourist bureau. It's a good read, with interesting links. But here are the best bits:

...long after all the rocket rings and plastic submarines and other cereal-box prizes were lost, millions of those official-looking, legal-sounding, gold-embossed deeds to a square inch of Yukon land remained in drawers, albums, safe deposit boxes, scrapbooks, vaults and, more importantly, in the memory of a generation of men and women not so young anymore [Was that really necessary?].

And given the ravages of the years and the current uncertain economic times, a steadily mounting stream of these former children, their attorneys [my aghast emphasis], their widows and their executors are writing to inquire after their “property,” which they assume has increased in value over all these years.

But, alas, the replies carry sad news. Not only do these people not own the land now. They never did, because each individual deed was never formally registered. The Klondike Big Inch Land Co., an Illinois subsidiary established to handle the cereal’s land affairs, has gone out of business. And anyway, the Canadian government repossessed all the land back in 1965 for nonpayment of $37.20 in property taxes.

But still, the cereal saga won’t die. Thousands of “owners” have written to officials in the Yukon. A vast, sparsely populated area that is one of two of Canada’s northern territories. “Please tell them to stop.” pleaded Cheryl Lefevre. a land-office clerk who stores the Yukon’s files on the matter, files now more than 18 inches thick.

[snip]

There were always some “owners” writing for information. But it built to a flood more recently, involving Canadian consuls general in the United States, the Yukon and even the prime minister’s office in Ottawa.

Steven Spoerl wrote Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau to announce he was declaring the formal independence of his four square inches.
 
Each writer gets a polite reply that refers to Quaker’s “promotional gimmick” and suggests they write Chicago.

“The deeds were not meant to have any intrinsic value,” Quaker now says, “but rather to give the consumer the romantic appeal of being the owner of a square inch of land in the Yukon.”

Ironically, there are reports that ... those 7-by-5-inch deeds that were 35 times larger than the piece of land they represented, are bringing upwards of $40 in some antique shops.

A recent check of eBay found certificates being offered for $24.24 to $31. One enthusiastic person writes,

Hi...You dont mention in your description...but it looks like its in very good condition....correct??....and it is also unsigned...these deeds are worth much more unsigned...thank you

Yeah, instead of $24.24, they're worth $31.

Dear friends, nephews and nieces: don't despair. I am constantly thinking of new ways to get fabulously wealthy, and share my good fortune with you. It's just a matter of time.

Love, Uncle Bob