Usury

It is a fact not well publicized that I once marched in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Only – unlike most Parade marchers – I was not a member of a marching band. Instead, I was a member of the Bergenfield High School Marching Concert Choir!

I don't know if there had been marching concert choirs before, or have been since, but Macy's had paid someone to write a theme song for their parade, and needed somebody to sing it. I guess since our marching band had been in the parade every year since Day 1, it would be logistically easier to just send a couple of extra buses and bring along the choir, too.

This is the song we sang on national television:

Here come the brass bands, snappy and syncopated.
Here come the floats, star-spangled and animated.
Here come the biggest balloons ever made
It's Macy's Thanksgiving Day – BOOM! – Parade.

It's a gaaaaaay holidaaaaaay!
Come on along you're all invited
And you'll be delighted.

By this time we were out of camera and microphone range and the song just fell apart. Mercifully.

So you understand that when I talk about Macy's, it comes from the heart.

Now jump ahead about 40 years. I'm living in Chicago, and a band of boobs called Federated Department Stores, Inc., doing business as Macy's, has bought Marshall Field's, the venerable Chicago retailer. All well and good, but Federated then announced they were changing the name of the store to Macy's. It has been widely boycotted ever since, and Federated is undoubtedly losing money on it. The few times I've been in the store, it has been relatively empty. You just don't throw away a trademark like that without repercussions, and if a brick and mortar store loses customer loyalty in the Age of Amazon – well, good luck with that.

Nevertheless, the Monday after Christmas this year, looking for a particular picture frame and exhausting all other possibilities first, we held our noses and forced ourselves to go into a Macy's store. We found what we needed, and as we were being checked out the sales clerk told S. about a special deal: sign up for a Macy's credit card, and get 20% off the purchase price.

Do I need to tell you?

On the bright side, Macy's probably made no money on the deal. On the other hand, there's that credit card.

When we got the bill, we discovered two things:

• In addition to the purchase price and any interest, Macy's charges a flat fee of $2 a month for any month you carry a balance. They assume you will carry a balance, and charge the $2 up front.

• The interest rate for this purchase, considering just the $2, is 135.2%, annualized. You read that right.