Monday, August 05, 2013

David Brooks' Meritocracy


[See update in comments section, below. Virginia Ted called it: it was a satire. Luckily, the email I got from a guy in Nigeria is definitely the real thing.]

Since the names were deleted, the following should be taken with a grain of salt. There's no way for me to determine the authenticity of this email (and frankly, I'm a little suspicious). But it's sure worth a read.
From: xxx@xxx.com
To: xxx@xxx.com
Sent: Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:35:13 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Great Job Opportunity - PLEASE READ
Brothers,
As some of you may already know, I have been interested in the world of finance for some time. After a series of summer internships, however, I have somehow found myself without a full-time job offer for the upcoming year. Fuckin' Obama's fault for strangling this economy.

Luckily, due to the tough job market, my dad has agreed to let me access my trust fund early (mid 7-figures) to start a relatively small hedge fund, ___ Ventures, after graduation. I'm emailing you guys today to let you know that, for the rest rest of the year, I will be recruiting 2 full-time employees and 1 intern to help me get this off the ground.

With my financial expertise, help from my powerful father and connections, and a skilled team, I have no doubt that this fund will rise quickly to prominence. We'll all get filthy rich and, inevitably, bag hot slampieces. If possible, I'd love to give all 3 of these positions to my [fraternity] brothers.

Although you would technically be working for me, I like to think of it more as a team effort. I know that my education and background qualifies me to lead a venture of this sort, and I would really appreciate your support. Below are the job descriptions. If interested, please email me a resume, cover letter, and paragraph describing why you would be excited to work with me.

Position 1: Lead Investment Analyst
-Because I will spend most of my time networking, raising money, and handshaking with industry bigwigs, I need someone with a strong quant background to take care of the majority of actual analysis.
-Finance experience preferred but not required
-Compensation: Low six figures with benefits

Postion 2: Office Manager/Secretary
-Although this may not sound like the most prestigious role within a fund, someone needs to hand the day-to-day operations and while I and my Lead Investment Analyst conduct strategies to make us all rich. This person would also be in charge of hiring hot secretaries for us to ogle (and possibly slam) during the workday.
-Detail oriented person needed
-Compensation: $70,000 base with benefits (like working close with a slampiece)

Position 3: Intern/Pledge
-This position is available to all sophomores and juniors. Think of it like pledging my hedge fund (so xxx and xxx need not apply)
-I will judge this position primarily based on how hard you pledged and how I rate your slampiece pulling ability
-Compensation: $25/hr with a good opportunity for full-time employment post graduation.
I'm really excited to get this going, and I hope some of you will be joining me. Let me know if you have any questions at all.
Sincerely,
 From Jezebel. Steve Benen quotes Jonathan Chait:
I've never even been slightly tempted to think, "screw it, let's give communism a try," until I read this email.
It reminds me a little of Trading Places.


2 comments:

Virginia Ted said...

How can this not be satire? If a guy wants his frat brothers to join his new company, all he has to do is recruit the brothers who took a few finance courses and share his taste in presumably slammable females, right?

Bob Miller said...


Virginia Ted is right! Chicago Ted points me to the update on Jezebel (same link). The email was probably a trick played on the supposed author by another or others in his fraternity.

I guess I introduced it with sufficient cautions, but I really hate putting up bogus stuff. There's enough horrible real stuff going around.

But I think the title of the post is appropriate without correction. It just refers to the brothers, now.